First Place in #ThursThreads (Probably The Grossest Piece I've written This Year)

This piece is a little, um, gross. I entered it in the #ThursThreads flash fiction contest hosted by Siobhan Muir. If you're prone to squeamishness, do yourself a favor and ... read it. You only live once. :) The prompt was: Experiencing new cultures can be weird.


thrus-threads-winnerAccording to the Brochure

The winsome, long-haired native girl shoving shaved, locally grown, organic palm fronds into my anus was an expert. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't say I was enjoying the experience as much as the brochure implied I might, but, as a craftsman myself, I recognize skill and appreciate a deft touch.

And the overstuffed vinyl massage table I laid face down on turned out quite comfortable. Although I admit, I was initially intimidated by the set of leather, aftermarket ankle stirrups attached at its foot. Necessary for safety, according to the brochure.

Fresh cut, bendy green palm fronds contain loads of chlorophyll. The anti-aging properties of the chlorophyll leech out as the palm fronds wither. A process, according to the brochure, which takes several hours to several days, depending on an individual's natural acidity and pH balance.

According to the brochure, palm fronds were a well-known ancient remedy to promote vibrant health and longevity. Apparently one thousand years ago it was common in this part of the world for people to walk around with palm fronds up their asses. ("Hiya Bill, you look a little stressed. What's up?" "Ah, nothing Tom. Wife's nagging me about patching the thatch on the roof ... and I got this green stick up my ass again.")

Experiencing new cultures can be weird, so I'm always happy when hotels provide stacks of free brochures filled with things to do. Tomorrow I'll invigorate my chakra with a relaxing soak in a pool of fresh alpaca urine.

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Matt Writes Anything

"I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about."  - Oscar Wilde